I just binged…

Welp that didn’t last very long.

I wanted chocolate and gummi worms, so I went ahead and bought them and told myself that I wouldn’t eat them until I was home in front of my roommate.. That would have worked fine, except she was sleeping….

Anyways, the bag of Lindt truffles and gummy worms found their way to my room so I wouldn’t disturb her sleeping. And I proceeded to eat the whole bag of chocolate (that’s 16 truffles, ya’ll.), and about 3/4 of the bag of gummy worms. On top of that, I ordered food in, but I was able to stop myself before eating the entire order of rice, so I guess it’s baby steps.

I’m not really sure what caused the binge. I mean I was pretty lazy all day, just some room cleaning, one class, then Walmart, with promises to go to the gym later at night. Of course, once you consume massive amounts of calories, that going to the gym goal becomes pretty much unobtainable.

So here I am, sitting in a sports bra, looking down at my stomach as I type this. I mean obviously I didn’t magically gain 5 lbs from what I just ate, but it sure feels like it.

I really just hate how I feel post binge. I mean, I just feel FAT and hopeless. And that whole wanting to weight 10 pounds less than I do… I mean it just seems like it’s pretty much unobtainable.

To be honest, I’m feeling a bit sad because I got to run three days this week, but then my lower leg started hurting again… I don’t want it to be a stress fracture, and I really just would like to run, but that’s what it’s looking more and more like. Maybe I need new tennis shoes.

I guess tomorrow will be a heavy day at the gym.. Maybe I’ll put in a couple hours of cardio.

At least my nails are a pretty color, and I didn’t eat all of the fried rice. Little victories, I suppose.

No eating in private = success so far!

So you may be wondering — how have I been doing these last two days with my eating?

And the answer is, good so far! I’ve eaten “bad foods,” like a donut, or a cookie, or an ice cream bar. But here’s the good news — by forcing myself to eat in public (in front of at least one other person), but allowing myself to eat whatever I want, the key word has become “a” or “an.”

I haven’t binged in two days.

Let that sink in. I haven’t felt the need to binge in two whole days. This is good.

Obviously I’m not 100% home free, but this is most definitely progress.

Thank you for reading, and for you sweet comment (yay first comment!).

Life is good. And so are peanut butter cookies when you eat them one at a time

Breakdown of a Binge: the “other people” factor

If you’re familiar with the clinical description of binge eating, you’re probably aware that one of the most common system is binging in private. It has to do with the embarrassment that goes along with eating that much food and the desire to hide your condition from those around you.

Well, if you’re currently living in America, you’re probably aware that today was Superbowl Sunday. At my apartment, that meant we ordered a pizza and breadsticks, and my roommate stocked up on soda, chips, more chips, salsa, carrots, cupcakes. Pretty much a binge eaters nightmare.

Non binge eaters don’t understand is that a binge eater can’t partake in “normal binge eating.” What I mean is, my roommate really thought that by putting out all of that food, we all would be able to just enjoy stuffing our faces.

Note to all non-binge eaters. We can’t. Take tonight for example. I had three slices of pizza, two bread sticks, 3 mini cupcakes, about 4 servings of chips, and all sorts of sauces. And that’s AFTER I ate a “normal sized” mini lunch/dinner to help prevent a binge.

My friends probably each had half of that. If that. And now I’m sitting downstairs feeling gross and full and slightly embarrassed trying to figure out if they realized how much food I was actually consuming. I kind of want to go eat another cupcake, so I’m blogging instead.

I think it’s the eating in secret part of a binge that’s so dangerous. Because when you’re by yourself, the only person who knows what you’ve really eaten that day is yourself. So my goal for the next week is simple: eat whatever I feel like eating, but no eating in private. Everything I eat for the next week will have to be in front of other people, whether that’s at the dining hall or a grab and go lunch.

As always, let me know if you’re reading.

Life is good.

Clothes shopping

Today started out well, and then ended with me crying in a dressing room, half dressed, with skirts strewn all over the place.

Isn’t it funny how a shopping trip can go from awesome to awful in a matter of seconds? It’s that one skirt you try on that you think makes your hips look big that makes you forget about the ten other things you tried on that you actually thought looked pretty good.

Anyways. The mission today was to find a few outfits to start my “work wardrobe.” All was going well until I was searching for that one last outfit… and then — I couldn’t find it.

The mission was a suit. Seems simple enough, but somewhere between suit number 1 in store number 1 and skirt number 10 in store number 3, I lost it. Instead of focusing on how great things had looked all day, all I could see were my big thighs and bubble butt in the skirts I was currently trying on.

And all I wanted was a bowl of chocolate ice cream.

And, did you know, dressing rooms at nice stores actually don’t offer you chocolate ice cream? No. They keep bringing you skirts. And then they try pants. And then they bring you the dreaded size pants. You know, the size that’s bigger than you’ve ever worn? And they offer them to you like “here! these will fit perfectly!”

And the truth is, they probably will fit perfectly, but at that point, you’re not interested in putting on the dreaded size pants, so instead you cry.

So I did.

I sobbed and was slightly melodramatic about a pair of pants and I suggested that instead of wearing a complete suit, I would just wear the jacket and call it a night.

Luckily, I was able to find a different outfit in the next store, despite my insistence that I would not be trying on anything else all day.

Had I been alone, I most likely would have binged today. Luckily, I was not, and my enormous bowl of chocolate ice cream did not magically appear.

Looking back, here’s today’s lesson. Nobody knows what pants size you wear except for you. Looking back on today, I purchased things in three different sizes — THREE! In one day! It is so easy to fixate on a number, and allow it to define you, but it’s funny what numbers we choose. Today, I allowed my pants size in ONE store to define me. Other days, it’s the number on the scale, or the calories I consume.

Let’s consider, however, the numbers I don’t allow to define me. The good ones. Like the number of people who love me, or the number of hours I’ve put into my education. The number of songs I know by heart or the number of times I’ve felt proud of myself. I mean really, those are the numbers that matter.

And I know, ya’ll are probably reading this thinking, “okay, homegirl, you can’t talk the talk and not walk the walk.” You’d be right. But here’s the thing; I am on my road to recovery and self discovery too. All of the realizations I’m having are happening after I don’t follow my own advice.. and maybe they’ll help me in the future.

That’s the goal at least.

If you’re a new reader, check out my about me section and my about binge eating section to get to know a little about me. And comment to let me know you’re reading

Today I choose health

It’s time I came clean. For the last seven years I have battled body issues, and for the last 4ish years specifically, I have struggled with binge eating disorder.

I don’t know why I binge; I’ll be doing seemingly well with my diet and exercise until that one moment during the day when all hell breaks loose, and I start a binge. Last night it was 3 cups of fried rice and a bag of reeses pieces. Another time this week, it was a bag of popcorn, 1/2 a cake (yes a whole cake…), and peanut butter and crackers. I need to write about it because my eating disorder impacts other parts of my life. I am currently 150 pounts at 5’5.5” (cooool number), and would like to get down to a healthy 130 pounds.

The thing is, I work out an hour a day; it’s my eating that’s keeping me from becoming the fit, healthy, and happy woman that I want to become.

So for a while, this blog is going to be documenting what I eat so as to hold me accountable. When I binge, it’ll be recorded here, and I’ll try to reflect what I am feeling, etc. Maybe somebody out there who also suffers from binge eating disorder will benefit from my sharing of my struggles.

You deserve to be happy

Today I had a realization: I deserve to be happy.

I do! And you do too.

Here is what you need to know about me for this  post: I have a somewhat sad and short dating history. It goes a little like this. Guys in my past fall into two categories: those who fell into my life at the wrong time (for both of us) and guys who are losers and don’t treat me how I deserve to be treated. I have a problem where I can’t let go of those guys who fall into the first category, and another problem that I pursue those in the latter far too long.

For the last few weeks, I have been seeing (I guess we can call it that), this guy. He treats me like a princess; he tells me he likes me, he sneakily does things that I like, and we talk for hours when we’re together.

Tonight, I was supposed to be getting coffee with him and I tried to make excuses with my roommate as to why I couldn’t go. I tried “we don’t have that much in common,” “he doesn’t like blah blah blah,” etc, etc. She didn’t let me get away with it, and I met up with him as planned.

When I came back, she remarked that I looked happy.

And you know what? I was! Spending time with him makes me feel special; he makes me laugh, and tonight, he chose spending time with me over something else important — and didn’t tell me until it somehow came up in passing.

I never realized it before, but maybe I was just scared to be happy. There is nothing wrong with letting go of the past (the good parts), and taking a chance on someone who is a genuinely good person. And so what if he doesn’t like EVERYTHING I like — that’s what other friends are for.

So tonight, I am letting go of those guys from my past, and I am allowing myself to be happy.

I think so many times, we allow ourselves to focus on things or people from our past that were good at some point. But the thing is, by focusing on them in our present, we don’t let go and give ourselves the opportunity to create a present with other people or things.

We spend so much time thinking and analyzing and replaying what ifs and creating situations in our minds straight out of a chick flick. But that’s not fair; we’re not really living. Life is about taking chances and allowing ourselves to try for happiness, and making sure we do not settle for less.

Life is good.